are people unaware of the fact that their means something different than there?
or is it that they simply just don’t care? and which is worse?
so is this it? is this how the world comes to a crashing end? everyone gets popped… one mass suicide shooting at a time. let’s start with the children. i’m not an extremely topical person, but there’s something about kids headed to graves that drags my heart to the earth and forces my mind to wander. and wonder. what the fuck else is next?
there once was a time when we all thought it was impossible for people to deliberately fly airplanes into buildings, bomb passengers on trains, and spit gunfire into crowds at schools, malls and movie theaters. eventually, nothing will surprise us anymore. nothing will phase us and we’ll all go numb & wither away. until then, let’s just keep killing each other. because that seems to be the only thing any of us are good at.
it’s funny, the long winded stories we’ll tell under dark masks of obscurity just to preserve this fake image of sanity & maturity on a mission to show everyone else that you’re not the crazy one. we’re all the fucking same. the only difference lies between those who are willing to admit it, and those who love to play innocent dragging everyone else’s names through the mud.
i keep tripping myself over the same question, “you weren’t friends with this guy before, why are you so hellbent on making him one now?” the answer’s always the same, “i don’t fucking know.” & we’d both know i’d be lying if i said i didn’t care anymore… but when you finally realize that the other person is never going to relent, i guess that’s the same moment you gotta stop trying.
from the very beginning i felt myself compromising a lot of who i’ve built myself to become, solely because i thought it would be better or easier if i just molded myself to be the type of girl i thought he wanted to be with. and that right there should’ve been my first sign to cut ‘n run. hindsight, always 20/20, i suppose.
so yeah. from where i’m standing, even casual dating is too much of strain and it’s energy that i can utilize to better myself in my own life and move forward with things i’ve put on the back burner for these past few months. i don’t think i’m wrong in wanting to find someone who puts as much energy and thought into me, as i do him — and when all is said and done, if i can’t find that — i’ll accept it… but at least i can say that i didn’t lose my own sense of self-worth in the process.
love is hard. love is work. but love should never be bringing you down. and when a torrid affair comes to a close, you should never be scrambling to pick up the pieces in a desperate attempt to figure out who the hell you were before all this shit went down.
“what’s wrong with you? i asked myself. you are a happy person. you are an upbeat sort of person. men smile at you on the subway, women ask what shampoo you use. cheer up for christ’s sake, i told myself, relax, you’re fine. be happy, girl. when i talk to myself i call myself girl.” — jennifer belle.
your ignorance and hypocrisy has been astounding. but i guess the human brain is funny like that, willingly forgetting one’s own actions when they’re too busy looking down on other people because they’re clouded by their own self-righteousness.
you say you care(d) about me, that you are having a hard time with us parting ways, and that you are missing me — but if any of that were remotely true, you would show a little more compassion or at the very least, a bit of consideration for how i might be feeling… if for no other reasons than the fact that after all these months, your actions versus your words have made me out to look and feel like nothing more than a complete fool. and from my standpoint, that’s all it was — you were adamant about keeping me under wraps because you were busy pursuing other girls - not because of that load of bs about discretion. and that’s why i did what i did. out of hurt, out of anger, and more importantly, for convincing me - against my better judgement - that i actually meant something to you.
so… i’ve never believed in 50/50. it’s always been 100/100. that whole, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?” theory. with that in mind, a friend of mine fairly recently shed some more light onto that idea for me — “independent couples.” when you said that bit about how you don’t want to be “tied down,” or be able to do “whatever whenever,” it made me think of that. i think it’s unfortunate when someone views being in a monogamous relationship as being “tied down.” a healthy relationship begins (and lasts) with two grown people who want to share their successes while trusting their partner to allow room and give support for you to grow bigger & better in times of struggle.
now, at this point, for you - it seems it means either one of two things: you’re either A. just not a monogamous type of person or B. you just haven’t met the one you’re willing to toss all that out the window for. there’s nothing wrong with being either - so long as you continue being honest with everyone you choose to form relationships with. for what it’s worth, i don’t know you yet, but i’m willing to bet it’s option B. i’ve seen enough friends go thru this kind of back n forth at our age with the mindset of “wthell is wrong with me? this chick is great!” only to realize, she just wasn’t it.
think about that one for a minute. and, in the meantime - do what you want, when you want. never force anything and go with your gut, because no successful relationship was built on ultimatums and/or self-doubt. if it’s not feeling right, move on until it does. ‘cause, one day, a lightbulb will click and you’ll feel that shift.
and that one day when we messed around with a polaroid camera.
“when things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when twenty-four hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of coffee.
a professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. when the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. he then asked the students if the jar was full. they agreed that it was.
the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. he shook the jar lightly. the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. he then asked the students again if the jar was full. they agreed it was.
the professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. of course, the sand filled up everything else. he asked once more if the jar was full. the students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’
the professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. the students laughed.
‘now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘i want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. the golf balls are the most important things — your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions — and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
the pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
the sand is everything else — the small stuff. ‘if you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. the same goes for life. if you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. play with your children. take time to get medical checkups. take your spouse to dinner. play another 18. there will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. take care of the golf balls first — the things that really matter. set your priorities. the rest is just sand.’
one of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. the professor smiles. ‘i’m glad you asked.
it just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple cups of coffee with a friend.’”
it’s late. as usual. at the risk of wasting my “sunday” sleeping in, i’ll sit here and think out loud for a bit instead. after our much needed shit-storm of a rainfall, the weather has cooled down immensely. the days are getting shorter, making nights longer. science. aside from the countless autumn birthday celebrations, people are starting to stay indoors more and submerging themselves into work.
i think a lot of people play the crazy game of “gotta catch up” after labor day weekend and before you know it, an entire week has gone by. i also think i’m finally settling back into a semi-regular schedule so, i’m trying to prepare myself for a little fun. ッ
first and foremost, and i know everyone says this - but… i need a fucking vacation. a trip that doesn’t revolve around someone or something else. a destination that doesn’t involve people getting married at the end. an adventure that hopefully requires a passport and taking copious amounts of pictures without a deadline. more than the necessary break from one’s “daily grind,” i think everyone who lives here for a while can attest to the fact that sometimes, you just need a goddamn break from new york city. amirite?
secondly, i have to let go. of everything. i need a change of pace and allow my gears to start moving in a different directions. and i think my friends/bosses knew that, too. there have been some major changes these past couple weeks (none of which i had anything to do with, or any say in) in regards to one of my jobs and i gotta say, it was probably the best decision anyone could have ever made for me. hindsight, always 20/20. i do feel as though i spent way too much energy and time this week on something that, at best, from the very beginning — as far as my priorities are (& have always been) concerned — has always been secondary… but i’m honestly and truly glad that all of this has happened. i’m grateful that i didn’t have to go through it alone, whether old friends or new strangers - it didn’t take much to realize we’re all sitting in the same damn boat trying to sync & pull heading waywardly in the same general direction - and as it stands, this list can go on. i’m willing to bet that this is gonna be one helluva roller-coaster, but i’m really excited about all the people who are coming along for the ride.
people. people are funny. but i’ll need to save that for another late night.
although we’re now veering into “friday morning,” i’m sitting at the hump day to the most hellish week of my entire life thus far. so hellish, in fact, that breaking it off with someone i actually kinda liked is the one thing i’m considering as the best decision i’ve made this entire week. it’s weird. but for the first time in days, i feel - free.
i also called dad for the first time in over a year. saying that out loud makes me feel like an even bigger douche, but - it’s what happened. and i allowed it to happen. for reasons no further than the issues i have in my own crazy mind. i forgot how much of a daddy’s girl i actually am… and was able to unload a lot of stuff onto him tonight that i’ve been building up and ignoring, in attempts to deal with it on my own (because i am also stubborn.) and for the first time, ever — i felt like my dad could also be my friend.
i’ve always known that i was a pretty selfish person, a trait i get from mom that i fought hard not to carry over — but it wasn’t until this week that i realized how incredibly selfish i am, so i guess i didn’t try all that hard. there are a lot of things i wish to have done differently, and not just this week — but, in life. but i suppose now is a good a time as any, to start turning all that nonsense around.
“here’s to the crazy ones. the misfits. the rebels. the trouble-makers. the round pegs in the square holes.”